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[10 Oct 2005|12:02am] |
im in a rut.. no a hole. well.. i dont know. but either way.. not good.
i've given up on everyone. no really EVERYone. i should have given up a long time ago but.. old habits ya know. now im through. done. i will finally wait for people to call me. not call them. be patient.. kinda. not so desperate. even though im really intensly desperate. and lonely. not alone. oh hell no. im so much better than that. ive got a million people all the time, but all i want is something deeper. enough.
im so damn smart, how did i let this happen? how did i fuck everything up? damn genetics. damn biology. damn things i cant control. the chemicals that make me so damn stupid sometimes.
and all i want is everything. how simple. how stupidly simple.
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[07 Oct 2005|10:32pm] |
something always takes the place of missing pieces you can take and put together even though you know theres something missing
i need him but i bore him. absolutely the situation. my only defence is ...trying not to need him..? alright. i will not fuck up anymore. or at least try really hard not to. but...wednesday. fuck. my thoughts are all discombobulated.
im gonna fix myself a drink, get dressed, and wait for colette to call me. good plan.
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[25 Sep 2005|07:26pm] |
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fucking a, its finally the fall. so im a friends at work whore. i hung out with corey last night hahha. his one friend is fucking HILLARIOUS. he came to work today to bother corey and he spelled out 'alison is a turd' in the wood letters.
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[12 Sep 2005|09:52pm] |
life is good. its good in a very serious way.
i started school. its pretty chill. classes are easy. people are... well ya know its county so theres only so much, but i LOVE my drawing class. love love love it.
i'm off probation! done. final. the end.
i have FLOOR FUCKING TICKETS TO SEE NIN. hooooooly shit. holy SHIT.
amy and i go to the gym tues and thurs.
job is okay. sometimes its good. sometimes it sucks. sometimes i call out (today) haha. shh.
umm yeah just a few reasons why im really fucking happy right now. like seriously blissful. its awesome.
and in addition to all this.. i get to see people i liek alot.
the only thing i need now is a car. i need it RIGHT NOW. fuck. i have to go find one. im going to look on ebay right... now.
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[20 Aug 2005|03:32pm] |
last night we went to the park in downtown westfield and saw...
CRAWFISH! they were crossing the street to die, and some of them were
going shopping.
 they were all very angry and didnt want to be saved. oh and we saw one get hit by a car. good times!
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[10 Aug 2005|01:27pm] |
i hate being dicked around.
i hate being lonely.
i hate feeling like all my friends are avoiding me like the plague.
i hate not having anybody.
why do they hate me? like seriously, why?
im going to crawl into bed and stay there for the rest of the day because nobody wants to see me.
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[29 Jul 2005|04:19pm] |
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im so fucking pissed at this whole situation. so im going to look fierce. haha but still... i want to slap him. he thinks hes fucking right all the time. then again he is younger than all of us... but still.. fucking a.
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[26 Jul 2005|11:13pm] |
why bother. i fucking wait forever ALWAYS. and tonight just to be embarassed.
im hurt.
im so bipolar. fuck. i wrote that and now i just wanna be like fuck it. you know why? because if im not with them then im probably not with anyone. and i dont want to burn the only bridge i have left. and i want to chill with everyone tomorrow. FUCK. im seriously seriously in need of some meds cuz im a fucking crazy.
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[16 Jul 2005|12:46pm] |
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so i moved this bullshit to tuesday after i see the ol doc. hopefully she can help me out, cuz she was gunna before, still is i guess. but if they test me, im fucked. i mean i havent been smoking but its been less than a month since ive last. oh i dont know i dont know. i dont like not knowing wahts going to happen.
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[16 Jul 2005|12:00am] |
i'm scared. i changed it to tuesday but im still scared.
dont worry amy and jess, there will be an in depth entry later on just for you but right now i have to sleep. i had to add that so i would actually write one and not just move on. but i will, no worries. cuz i know you gals like to know that i'm not a psycho or howver my lj makes me sound.
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| tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace. |
[14 Jul 2005|03:17pm] |
i got mail today that said i have to meet with my probation officer on monday. oh goodie.
i really, seriously, no joke, wish my family was dead. i hate them all and want them to just die. i want to live on my own without them constantly being assholes to me. my family is disgusting and i want no part of it anymore.
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[13 Jul 2005|12:31am] |
today my therapist basically told me that all my problems aren't in my head. the just ended up there from years of my parents problems. nice, i'm not delusional. and shes gunna help me out with probation and drug screens and shit.
FUNNIEST WORK STORY:
so today at work i was at the register and i told this black woman her total and it was alot i guess. so she was like "oh now i cant drink tonight. i need ta get FUCKED UP. ima hafta get some shrooms or some e pills." and then i started laughing and she was like " hahah just kidding." so funny.
ps. i want a strap on. just to have and whip out for my own humor. and maybe fuck some dude in the ass. hahahah.
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[12 Jul 2005|11:16am] |
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there is something beeping in my room. i dont know what or where but im going to murder someone if it doesnt stop. it beeps like every 10 or so minutes. AHHHHHHHHHHHH.
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[07 Jul 2005|04:10pm] |
i give up.
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[05 Jul 2005|11:23am] |
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so yesterday i went to work at the usual time and i found out i was supposed to be there at 10. umm shit. they hate me. i think its time to look for a back up job.
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[03 Jul 2005|12:48am] |
burn
WHAT THE FUCK?!?! stupid ass me was all worried and shit
but noooo its just him being an ASSHOLE. thanks. thanks alot. i got
burned.
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[02 Jul 2005|12:38am] |
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if i have to live at home then im painting my room. i told the parents and they were down (for once). haha cuz i kinda asked about the paint in the basement and then they told me they'd have to buy more anyway, so i get to pick the color n shit. noice.
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[27 Jun 2005|10:19pm] |
thanks for fucking forgeting me. i hate everyone. like seriously, fuck you.
ugh. i have all this fuckin UCC shit to take care of, cuz i know if i dont look at it now i wont even be going to fucking ucc.
oh great, i just remembered, i have to babysit and see the fucking psychologist tomorrow. woo fucking hoo. im just gunna lay it out for her this week cuz im tired of the bullshit. good, only one more day of work before my day off. im not going to fucking great adventure. fuck that.
i seriously hate my living situation too. now more than ever. no car, my room is gay as hell i just wanna fucking change it but the rents are being assholes as usual. fuck this. i want to live on my own.
i just want to walk for hours now. just to be out of here. like ok i know my lifes not that hard or that bad but if you were me, you'd hate your life too. i know it could be worse. but why can't it ever be better?
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[26 Jun 2005|12:59am] |
empty promises again, but he deserves it. thats all he gives me.
on another note, my room is hot as balls and im not tired but i wanna sleep. i guess ill give it a shot.
i tried to make a real entry for amy and jess but... this is the best ive got. haha.
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[19 Jun 2005|12:50am] |
( my art )
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